Chapter Three
Learning about Our Feelings
Chapter Inspiration:
“Love is our highest word and the synonym of God.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
“There are two elements that go to the composition of friendship. One is truth (sincerity) and the other is tenderness.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Understanding is the knowledge that suffering is shared by everyone. When you understand that you aren’t alone in your suffering, there is the birth of love. When there is love there is the opportunity for peace.” —Deepak Chopra
“Friendship is the soil where happiness proudly grows.” –Sri Chinmoy
Chapter Story:
Hans Christian Andersen (1805-1875) lived in Denmark. When he was a child, Hans was not a very happy person. Other children teased him because he looked different and did not like to play some of the most popular games. Chil dren made fun of Hans because he did not act quite the same as everybody else. He preferred reading to playing on the playground. Hans was a very sensitive young boy. Because he was different he didn’t have many friends. He felt alone and because he was alone he felt sad. When other children teased Hans, it made him feel even more lonely and sad. When he felt lonely and sad it made him want to stay away from others even more. This cycle continued, and Hans went through many years like this, feeling bad about himself, feeling alone, and feeling ugly.
Hans Christian Andersen had experiences and feelings like many young children have when they are growing up. He had many of the same feelings that many people do. He could have kept these feelings inside without ever sharing them, but usually this is not very healthy. He could have told a good friend about how he was feeling, but maybe Hans didn’t have a good friend. Instead, Hans Christian Andersen did something different, something very special, with his feel ings. He started writing stories that described different situations that might cause different kinds of feelings. Most of his stories were about animals that had human feelings. The animals could also talk and solve problems and do other things that normal animals cannot do. Hans wrote over 200 stories in all, and eventually he became very famous for his stories.
Writing stories became the way for Hans to express his feelings. One of his most well-known stories is called The Ugly Duckling. It is the story of a baby duck who doesn’t look like any of the other baby ducks, and who gets teased and set apart from everybody else. The Ugly Duckling is about someone who feels very sad and lonely because he is different – just like the way Hans himself used to feel when he was young. Writing this story helped Hans to realize that feeling lonely and sad is something that happens to everyone; that these feelings are part of being human.
Chapter Overview:
Learning about feelings is one of the most helpful things that we can do in order to understand ourselves and accept others. All people have the same kinds of feelings, but we don’t all have the same feelings at the same time. Hans Christ ian Andersen learned to express his feelings in a positive and useful way by writ ing stories. Writing stories was how Hans was able to put his feelings into per spective so he could understand them better. It was how Hans was able to move through his different feelings, to learn from them and to grow. The stories Hans wrote were about feelings he actually had, or maybe about feelings that he saw in other people. Through his writing, Hans learned something that helps all of us that learning to become aware of our feelings and learning to understand them empowers us to channel our feelings in creative ways. In this way Hans Christian Andersen is a good role model for us, because there is much we can learn from his life. In this chapter we will learn about feelings, how to recognize them, make friends with them, understand them, and work with them in creative ways, to help us meet our goals.
Chapter Lessons:
Lesson #1— Naming feelings
The first step in learning about feelings is learning their names. Feelings are also sometimes called emotions. Feelings and emotions are the same thing. There are some basic feelings that every human being feels at one time or anther. Here they are: compassion, fulfillment, happiness, peace, love, anger, frustration, sadness, fear, and hate.
Compassion: a loving connection to another person or group of people. Another word for compassion is empathy.
Fulfillment: a feeling of accomplishment deep inside us. Another word for fulfill ment is satisfaction.
Happiness: a feeling of fullness inside us. Another word for happiness is joy.
Peace: a feeling of calm and tranquillity throughout our body, mind, emotions and spirit. Another word for peace is serenity.
Love: a strong, deep affection or liking for somebody or something, which engages your thoughts and your whole self in a powerful and potentially creative way.
Anger: a mean or hurtful feeling toward someone else, usually because of some thing we think that person did to us. Another word for angry is mad.
Frustration: a feeling of being blocked, like there is an obstacle in our path.
Sadness: a feeling of emptiness or loss, as if we are missing something.
Fear: a feeling that something bad or dangerous is about to happen. A feeling that causes our whole being to be upset. Other words for fear are anxiety and worry.
Hate: a very strong and deep disaffection or dislike for somebody or something, which engages our thoughts and our whole self in a powerful and potentially destructive way.
We can also think of the basic human feelings as pairs of opposites: ‘Positive’ Feelings ‘Negative’ Feelings compassion ...................................…....anger fulfillment.............................................frustration happiness...............................................sadness peace.....................................................fear love........................................................hate
Some feelings are positive — meaning they are productive, helpful and creative. Positive feelings give us energy, make us feel good and help the good things inside us to come out. Other feelings are negative – meaning they are not productive; they can be hurtful or destructive. Negative feelings take energy from us, usually make us feel bad, and can block us from expressing our good quali ties. However all feelings – both positive and negative ones – are necessary and vital parts of who we are. If we learn to accept all of them, then we can use them all to learn and to grow. Thinking of our feelings in terms of opposites helps us to become more aware of what we are feeling at certain times. It can also help us to move through a certain negative feeling by thinking of the opposite feeling.
Lesson #2 (a)– Becoming aware of our feelings: What is going on inside?
Becoming aware of what you are feeling at any given time is a powerful skill to learn. It is something that can help you to keep your feelings in balance, and to use your feelings in productive and creative ways. Close your eyes for a few moments and ask yourself: “What feeling or feelings do I have inside of me right now?” The teacher can read or say the basic feelings so that you can remember the names. Try to become aware of which one or ones you are feeling at this moment. Once you have identified it, you can complete this sentence: I am feeling ____________ because_____________. After the ‘because,’ you can think of or say a reason. Sometimes there is no reason that you can identify or think of. In that case you can complete the sentence by saying because ‘that’s just how I am feeling right now.’ If you did find a reason for your feelings you can use some of the methods of lessons #3 and 4 below to help you to process them.
Lesson #2 (b)– Becoming aware of our feelings: The three minds
Pumsy the Dragon is a character, in a book by the same name, created by author Jill Anderson (Timberline Press). Pumsy the Dragon is a creature who goes on an adventure and learns valuable lessons about herself. One of the important things Pumsy learns on her journey is about the three minds.
The Clear Mind:
This is how our mind is when we feel calm and peaceful inside; when we are feeling safe and secure and good about ourselves. When we are in the clear mind we see the world as a happy place, and we see other people as partners and friends who want to play with us, work with us, and help us.
The Mud Mind:
This is how our mind is when we feel anxious and worried inside. In the Mud Mind we do not feel safe or secure. We don’t feel very good about our selves. When we are in the Mud Mind, we see the world as a scary or lonely place and we see other people as competitors or threats to us who want to take something from us or make us do things we don’t want to do.
The Sparkler Mind:
This is how our mind is when our inner world is full of spontaneous cre ativity. There are no blocks or obstacles to the flow of transforming energy and new ideas. When we are in the Sparkler Mind, we can tap into the universe of knowledge and creativity.
If we follow the lessons of Pumsy the Dragon, we can become aware of the three minds and we can identify which mind we are in. We can use the les sons of Pumsy as well as the lessons in this chapter, to help us move out of our Mud Mind and into our Clear Mind and our Sparkler Mind. Can you think of and share examples of when you were in the different ‘minds’ of Pumsy? What ‘mind’ are you in today?
Lesson #3 — Balancing and channelling feelings
Once we know the names of feelings and we know how to recognize them when they are happening inside us, the next lesson is to learn what to do with them. The first step is to realize that we are responsible for all of our feelings. Nobody can make us feel the way we do. We are the ones who choose to feel what we feel.
Sometimes, though, it is hard to get out of negative feelings. When we are feeling sad, angry, or frustrated, some of the activities that can help us are: drawing or other art activities; singing or playing a musical instrument; writing; or doing various kinds of fitness activities. We could call them ‘unsticking’ activities because they help us to get unstuck from bad feelings. Most people already have their own ways of getting unstuck, of dealing with negative feelings. What is your way? What activities do you do to get out of negative feelings you feel stuck in? When we do these kinds of activities, we bring our life into balance, so that we don’t feel overwhelmed by negative feelings. We also get a kind of clarity in our mind about how to get unstuck.
Finally, when we do these activities we can begin to channel our energy to accomplish the things we want to accomplish. Write in your journal about your favorite activity – a sport, martial art, game, creative work, or other activity – and about how doing your favorite thing helps you to get ‘unstuck’ from negative feelings.
Lesson #4 – Speaking our feelings
If we think our feelings have to do with something another person did, then it is important to try to talk to that person about it as honestly as possible. If we hold negative feelings inside us and never speak about them, that can be unhealthy and bring us anxiety or even health problems.
Try to arrange a time to speak with the person whom you feel has upset you. Try using ‘I’ messages when you talk. For example: “I felt hurt because you didn’t play with me at recess.” Once you share your feelings, ask the person if they understand what you are saying. Invite them to repeat back to you what you have shared to make sure they ‘got it right.’ Then invite them to tell you how they feel about the situation. You might be surprised at what you feel.
Break into groups of three to practice sharing feelings about different situa tions. You can invent situations or you can use real situations in your class or school if you feel ready. Each team member should practice sharing feelings with one other team member, while the third person always watches to make sure that: a) ‘I’ messages are being used; b) team members are regularly repeating back what they hear; and c) all members have an equal amount of time to share their feelings.
Lesson #5 — Listening for other people’s feelings: Jackal ears vs. giraffe ears*
Listening to other people’s feelings is hard at first. We often have such strong feelings or stiff ideas in our head that we sometimes don’t really want to listen to others. We need to decide if we are going to listen to others with ‘jackal ears’ or with ‘giraffe ears.’ These are terms invented by Kelly Bryson to describe two kinds of listening. Jackal ears mean that we are listening to the other person while still stuck in our own bad feelings or stiff ideas. We hear what the other person says but we don’t trust what we are hearing, or we doubt that the other person is being honest. Instead of listening quietly we might interrupt and say something like, “I don’t believe you,” or, even worse, “You are still a jerk for what you did.” If we are wearing giraffe ears we are trying to listen to the other person with compassion and with the hope that we can better understand them so we can resolve some of the bad feelings between us.
Break into groups of two and create very short skits that show the differ ence between jackal and giraffe ears. Have fun with your skits and be creative. This will help you to learn and remember the concepts in this lesson.
*Giraffe and jackal ears are described in Kelly Bryson’s book, Don’t Be Nice, Be Real. More about that and his other books can be found on his web-site, www.languageofcom passion.com.
Lesson #6 — A world of feelings
Every day we have new feelings and everybody else is also carrying differ ent feelings around inside them. We all act according to what we are feeling inside. The more we understand how feelings work, the more we can be supportive and responsive to other people. We cannot only be more successful ourselves, but we will be in a position to help others. When we experience negative feelings, they usually bring along concepts and attitudes of separateness and difference – of less and more, of me and them, or of superiority and inferiority. When we experi ence positive feelings, they usually bring along concepts and attitudes of balance, connection with others and oneness. So the more we can be aware of our negative feelings and accept them, the more we can balance them, channel them, and speak them. At the same time, the more we can be aware of our positive feelings, embrace them, and celebrate them, the happier we will be and the more we can help others.
Choose your favorite positive feeling and express that feeling in writing, song, art, drama, storytelling or movement. Share your creative expression with the class if you wish.
Discussion Questions:
a) Talk about the first chapter quotation. Why do you think Ralph Waldo Emerson says, “love is our highest word”?
b) What about hate? It is such a powerful negative emotion. How do you think people get to a place where they start to hate? What causes people to hate?
c) Look at quotation #2. What are the two most important elements of friendship according to Emerson? Discuss what these two things mean. Give examples. Do you try to practice these two things with your friends?
d) Read quotation #3. Make a chart showing the connection between understand ing, love, and peace that Deepak Chopra is talking about. Talk about what this connection means and how we can practice it.
Supplemental Activities:
Feelings can be thought of in different combinations, not just in pairs of oppo sites. Below is an affirmation (see Chapter 8) that some people find useful. Read the affirmation below by yourself or together with your class. Then discuss what it means.
I am light – there is no darkness.
I am love – there is no fear.
I am one – there is no separateness. –Indian scriptures
Break into small groups and do a cooperative creative expression of different feelings. You can use art, music, drama, movement, writing, or storytelling. Include both positive and negative feelings and try to use as many as possible in your creation.
Using a harmony table and a harmony flower: Set aside a special table in your classroom where two people can meet when they want to share feelings with each other. You can call it the ‘harmony table’ or you can give it another name. At the harmony table you can keep a plastic rose or another kind of flower, which you can call the ‘harmony flower.’ The person who is sharing their feelings holds the harmony flower while the other person is listening. Then the harmony flower is given to the other person so that he or she can share. Only the person holding the harmony flower should talk. Using the harmony table and the harmony flower, you can practice sharing your feelings and listening to your classmates’ feelings.